This is different from my normal posts, but ever so necessary.
Okay, so a slight disclaimer, this is more detailing my experiences in relationships than “right” and “wrong”, so please don’t take it personally!
Let’s all have a laugh together about how messy, complicated, yet rewarding relationships can be.
So I’ve dated quite a handful of guys, from various backgrounds and personalities. I’m not saying this to try and showcase my experience, but to hopefully find some common ground in our life stories!
I’ve gotten my heart broken multiple times and even broken some hearts along the way to finding love, and boy has it had it’s ups and downs.
After a bitter breakup and lots of nights spent crying, I decided to write a list of lessons I’ve learned from my relationships, in hopes that I would learn my lessons and not repeat them again in the future! I’ve also added helpful advice from my mom, whom I reluctantly admit is always right!
Going back and re-reading these has shown me that they’ve certainly been true in my life, and I hope you can either find some good ‘ol advice or just laugh at them along with me.
So, here goes:
- If it looks too good to be true, it probably is (a gem from my mom!).
- If you’re uncertain about marrying them/being with them, you’re probably right. Follow your gut.
- Pay attention to red flags–don’t just dismiss them, but also don’t make them a bigger deal than they are.
- You don’t deserve to be treated as if you’re lower than them. Love yourself enough to not put up with that attitude!
- There needs to be physical attraction and sexual chemistry. It can’t be all there is, but it needs to exist. Unless you want a strictly platonic or nonsexual relationship.
- If you feel he/she’s being shady and hiding things from you, he/she is. Female intuition is usually spot on!
- You’ve got to know what you’re willing to put up with in a relationship. You also have to know what you want.
- How is their relationship with their parents? Siblings? Relatives? Pay attention.
- Are they self-sufficient and independent, or at least trying to be?
- Are they a charmer? This isn’t always a bad thing, but if they’re making moves on other people while being with you, that’s not okay (unless you’re into that kind of thing..).
- Communicate about your sexual history and learn about theirs. And STDs? Better safe than sorry!
- Make sure you actually love them, instead of just settling because it’s comfortable and/or you’re lonely.
- What are their future goals? Are they similar to yours? Are they ambitious?
- Ask your family and friends for their opinion. They always have the best in mind for you.
- Do you have similar interest? You need something to connect on. DO NOT change yourself to foster a connection!
- Do they blame others? Call them crazy or insane? Not take responsibility for their lives?
- Are they super clingy? Freaks out if you don’t respond right away? Insecure?
- All those times that he says he/she’s sorry and is going to change–all lies. He/she will never change. They will unconsciously keep breaking your heart until the real problem is dealt with.
- How do they treat animals? Actually quite telling.
- How do they act when angry/upset, disappointed or stressed? Key character signs.
- If they try to convince you to do more sexually than you are comfortable with, leave or establish concrete boundaries. Most of the time if they don’t care and keep pushing, they don’t truly care or respect you, no matter how many times they may say they do.
- Pay attention to their moral and religious beliefs. Do they match yours? Do they practice what they preach?
- Don’t lose yourself in a relationship. You’ve both gotta be healthy and independent individuals.
- Be aware of your insecurities and the roles they play in your relationships. Seek healing, instead of feeding, your insecurities.
- Find someone who makes you a better person.
- Find someone who takes care of themselves physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Do the same.
- Don’t use people. Physically or emotionally. And don’t let them use you, respect yourself.
- Do they run from commitment?
- See how you fit into their family. They may be yours someday.
- Do they make you feel bad about your past mistakes?
- Do they make up excuses to not see you? Know the difference between normal and excessive.
- Are they as invested in the relationship as you are?
- If you want to just be friends, say something and be direct. If they don’t respect you for that and/or gets pushy, kick ’em to the curb.
- Does he/she only want sex? It might be better to hold off on sex until an emotional commitment is formed if you want something more (also communicate what you want!).
- Are they with you just so you can take care of them?
- Are they dependent upon drugs, alcohol, sex?
- Don’t dump someone through social media. Be classy.
- Don’t let anyone rush you into making a decision about them. Taking your time for self-reflection is necessary.
- Don’t get lost in fantasies about the future. It could blind you to the warning signs right now (no. 3).
- Take the time to take care of yourself, hang out with family and friends, let them be there for you.
- Keep your eyes open for manipulation. Never let someone manipulate you.
- If they are not seeking professional help for something serious (and it’s within their means), they don’t want to change.
- Do you really want a child just like them? (another good one from my mom!)
- Do they talk bad about your friends and family in front of you and/or behind your back?
- Don’t ever let someone call you names, and don’t call them any either. Mutual respect.
- Are your economic status’ similar? It may cause problems down the road if there’s too much of a gap.
- Do they try to control you? That’s not love!
- Learn about their genetic traits and potential risk of diseases that run in the family.
- Once a cheater always a cheater.
- Do they take you out to meet their friends and family?
- You are a precious jewel. If someone ever tries to rob you, steal you, cheat you, or lie to you, they are undeserving of you.
- Do you fight a lot? Do your issues ever get resolved? Take responsibility for your part, but if they don’t, they still need to mature. The relationship is more important than being right or wrong.
- Are they overly jealous/possessive?
- Don’t ever lay hands on them in malice, and don’t ever let them do it to you.
- You have to both accept each other fully and practice forgiveness to have a healthy relationship.
- Are they still talking about their ex? They may still be hung up on them.
Talking about relationships can go on forever! They are complicated and diverse because humans are complicated and diverse. But, they are necessary, and help us to learn more about ourselves so we can grow more compassionate and understanding.
I hope you found this to be good advice, or at least entertaining as I ranted about my experiences!
I’m going to stop it here, and if I learn more I’ll certainly let you know 😉
Thanks for reading!